Why Not?

I had a conversation with a friend about sexual intercourse before marriage . . . here are some of the thoughts I had (names have been ommited to protect the innocent!) 🙂

Ok – I hate to be the bringer of bad news, so I’ll preface my comments with my standard disclaimers: most of what I tell you will be true for most of the population, which means (in my head) that 99% of what I will type is 99% applicable to you and your significant other (and the rest of the world!).

So here goes . . .

1. Long distance relationships are hard – extremely hard. And love alone can’t sustain a relationship. I know that sounds terrible and terribly stupid, but it’s a pretty well established fact. When two people are apart, the longer they are apart the more chance there is that one or the other will start liking someone else. It’s also hard to sustain romantic, passionate feelings when the object of affection is not there. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I am saying it’s pretty difficult, even with two people who start out very much in love.

2. > Do we really HAVE to wait until marriage for sex?

The short and easy answer – no. (Shocking, isn’t it!) 🙂 (I’ll explain more in a bit)

> I

> know you’re probably a little

> disappointed in us, that we’re actually thinking about

> it.

I’m not disappointed – I want to make that very clear – almost all people struggle with this question at some point in their lives, and your teenage years, especially if you’re involved in a romantic relationship, tend to bring the question up to the front of your brain 🙂

On to some kind of answer now . . .

1. Having sex – making love – sexual intercourse – it almost doesn’t matter what you call it – the end result is the same.

You also mention that both of you had already decided to wait until marriage, but now the question has an added time urgency to it (as she’s leaving for college) – and you both want to put a physical act to your emotions.

As if you hadn’t guessed, I’ll challenge y’all to wait again – wait *until* you get married. And I’ll tell you why 🙂

If you have sexual intercourse right now, you will bond yourself to each other, moreso that you already have. However, you will not be totally truthful with each other.

Sexual intercourse should take place in within a committed, loving relationship. A *publicly* committed relationship, which is what marriage is in our culture. It sends a public message that you and your spouse will do whatever it takes to stay together,

for the good of your relationship, for the good of any kids that come your way, and for the good of the stability of our cultures/nation/groups.

Yeah, it’s a far cry from romance, but marriage has always been more about the future of our race, and economics than love (kinda sucks, huh?) 🙂

But back to the point – if you engage in sexual intercourse, you will be telling each other that you are committed to each other. Notice that there’s no “public” involved there – no sense of commitment to others. It will be far easier to discard each other

(break up) later on, even if you have had sex, because no one else knows about it.

And think about that for a sec – no one else knows . . . most of the time, if we’re getting ready to do something others shouldn’t know about, it’s an action that we already have a sense is wrong. After a wedding, everyone knows that the couple will go home and have sex. The couple knows it (and is prob looking forward to it!). No onw actually talks about it, but it’s understood, accepted, and encouraged. But when

two people decide that they’re gonna have sex before marriage, no one knows, and for the most part, they don’t tell anyone – it’s a hidden, secret thing – not the best way to celebrate one of the best gifts God has given us.

And like I’ve said before, physical intimacy should not happen until there has been emotional, mental & spiritual intimacy. Quite a lot of it. Until people have talked about all their hopes & dreams, their good points & bad points; until they’ve seen each other at their best & at their worst; until they’ve laughed with each other, at each other; until they’ve cried together; until they’ve fought and made up; until

they’ve prayed together; until they’ve met each others families and friends; until they’ve talked about how many kids they want, where they will live, how & where

they will spend holidays, who will work and who will stay home, how chores will be divided up in a marriage . . . etc.

Once all of that’s done, then you’re ready for sexual intimacy.

What’s more, each and every act of sexual intimacy should be open to having children. You are definitely not ready to have children.

And condoms are only about 50% effective when teenagers use them (when adults use them the effectiveness goes up to about 90%, but since teens are usually nervous and in a hurry to get to the good part, the condom ends up going on incorrectly, or too late, or is forgotten in the passion of the moment).

And it only takes one time to get pregnant . . . and if that happens, your life will be

totally changed, and the life you bring into this world will get shortchanged, because you are not ready for a baby.

So in short – you don’t have to wait – you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to . . . but think about this decision – really think about it – think about it when you’re not together, when you’re not thinking about how much you’ll miss each other. Think about how you’d feel if your parents found out – think about how you’d feel if God were in the room with y’all when it happened . . .

But mostly remember what you wrote “I don’t think we’re ready” – that tells me, more than anything else, that you’re not. You may want to – desperately, enticingly want to – and that’s normal with someone you love, it’s the way God made us, to want to have physical intimacy with the one we love the most . . . but if you’re even having a ghost of a thought that you’re not ready, then you’re not.

And you need to decide *now* what you’ll do – don’t be thinking about it when you’re alone, and you’ve already been kissing & what not – at that point your bodies will take over and you’ll be done before you know it.

This kind of decision must always be made *before* you get into a situation where you need to decide. Choose now, and then help each other stick to that choise.

One last thought – the first time you have sexual intercourse, it’s usually not all romantic and perfect like you see in the movies. You’ll both feel awkward, your bodies will be awkward, it’ll hurt (for the girl). Especially if you’re in a car, or in someone’s house where a parent may come in at any time, you’ll both feel pressured and a little guilty . . . it’s not the best way to have a first time sexual experience.

And if you don’t end up getting married, you’ll have to tell your future spouse that you didn’t wait . . .

Please – don’t go through with it. I’ve talked to too many people, both older teens and

adults, who have so many regrets about a pre-marriage sexual experience. I want your first time to be with the person you have married, not the persin you *may* marry.

You’re both too special to give in to your longings . . . wait . . . and I guarantee that if you both wait, it’ll be a much more satisfying experience, both because you’ll be going crazy for each other, and because you know that God is smiling and approving as you celebrate his love and your love with each other.

Some food for thought,

Blessings & Peace,


4 thoughts on “Why Not?

  1. Hugo says:


    I’m glad the reply gave you food for both thought and comfort. Just a quick note that my wife and were married when I had just turned 23 and she was just shy of 22, and we’ve been married for about 11 1/2 years – we knew each other about a year before we celebrated our wedding.

    So you can choose your romantic partner at a young age, be in love with each other, get married, and have it work – but younger marriages tend to equate to a higher divorce rate. So I think what you wrote (“I only ask that I have the strength to be alone and content. I have always been the type of person that has constantly needed someone there for me. Maybe this is my test”) is true – this’ll give you a chance to cement who you are so that when ou enter a relationship you’ll have all of yourself to bring into it, and you’ll be secure in knowing that you can be your own person, and not just so-and-so’s girlfriend or wife.

    My prayers will continue to be with you.

    Blessings & Peace,

  2. erika k silva says:

    Hugo …First of all let me thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
    I do believe that maybe we weren’t ready for that kind of commitment. Although this might be true, I do feel like I really loved him. I have gone through a long distance relationship before and made it work. Out of the 7 years that we were together he was gone for 1. It lasted longer than some couples have even been married. I never really felt “in love” when I was in this relationship. I was too young to know what love meant and felt trapped because I did not want to disappoint people…his parents, my parents, friends, family, etc. Maybe I am still too young. Everyone that I ask advice from says that 25 is still young. After a while, I am starting to believe it.
    What is so painful is that, with him…I could see myself marrying him. I actually thought I had a glimpse of what my life might look like years from now…with him. Not one of my other relationships did I ever think that I could spend the rest of my life with.
    Maybe that is why I am so devastated right now. It’s true …it’s like someone died.
    The great part about this experience is that I have a big close net of people to lean on. I have always had my family, friends, and faith to help me out of bad times.
    Thank you for your advice. It will take some time to heal. I only ask that I have the strength to be alone and content. I have always been the type of person that has constantly needed someone there for me. Maybe this is my test.
    Once again thank you,

  3. Hugo says:


    Welcome to my not-so-usually updated blog. 🙂 I’m actually on tonight tyring to blog, so it’s good fortune that you stopped by, too!

    As for your question . . . I’ll preface this with a disclaimer that I’m not a relationship guru – but here are my thoughts on the subject:

    Romantic infatuation happens to everyone at some point or another. We all fall in love with people, wether it’s our teachers when we’re really young, our classmates when we get a bit older, our neighbors, our friends, people near or far, people known or unknown – it’s part of our makeup to yearn for a close, intimate connection with other human beings.

    When we start a romantic relationship it begins in infatuation – the experience of falling in love. We see (to go just a bit Jungian on you) parts of ourselves that are neglected or unexpressed in the other person, we latch on to those facets of their personality, and we feel whole/complete when we are around them (and they return our affection!).

    In time, though, all affection tends to cool down. It’s a pet peeve of mine that many people who go through serial relationships move on because they “feel out of love.” What they usually mean is that the feelings of excietmement, passion, longing, physical touch, etc. are no longer as exciting as they once were – so they move on to the next thrill, and the next, and the next, never taking time to appreciate the maturing of a relationship over time.

    When people are apart, this is intensified – there’s no physical intimacy (holding hand, hugging, etc.), there’s limited time available to talk or see each otehr physically, and there are other people around who are equally suited to be romantic partners.

    I don’t think it’s imposssible for a long distance relationship to work – it’s happened – but I do think it’s really hard – both parties need to have some pretty good will power and discipline (not the most romantic of words!), not to mention a very good grasp of what it means to sacrifice now for a future reward. Many people aren’t ready for that kind of commitment, especially if it’s a new relationship or one that didn’t get a chance to really take root.

    This isn’t a judgment on your relationship that just ended, and neither is it an intimation that you really weren’t in love with each other – but without the commitment that marriage brings (and the sexual love that helps hold a marriage together) it’s really hard to hold to that long-distance relationship – especially in younger people (your profile says you’re 25 – that’s still quite young!).

    I know I’ve rambled – let me know if this has helped at all – if not, I’ll take another try at it.

    In the meantime, allow yourself to feel the pain of your seperation – ending any relationship is going to be painful, particularly a romantic one where you may have already been thinking of future happiness together. Realize that you may go through the same stages of healing as someone who has lost someone to death (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), because this is a death – not a physical one, but an emotional / spiritual death. Give yourself time to mourn the lost relationship with all of its possibilities, and don’t try to rush yourself (or let others rush you) into dating quickly just to “get over it already.”

    Let God move you through your loss, and realize that in some way you will emerge more mature, better able to enter a new relationship when you’re ready, and bettter able to discern what you’ll want in your next relationship.

    My prayers are with both of you this evening.

    Blessings & Peace,

  4. erika k silva says:

    Don’t know who you are…but my long distance relationship has just ended. We still talk from time to time, but it is painful for both. One of the first things you spoke of was the long distance relationship being hard. Any other thoughts or ideas on this topic?

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